when will my reflection show who i am inside.

whats there inside me.

Friday, July 14, 2006

seriously i think im in danger of retaining.
ct results are supersuper horrible.when i look at the paper, a dozen things run through my mind.how did i ever lose so many marks. why was i so careless.or did i even know how to do this question in the first place.maybe it was the lack of preparation seeing as how i spent 2 weeks in england enjoying myself and obviously with the mindset that i would still do fine for ct.well,obviously i was proven wrong.sometimes i wonder,people's expectations of us does really affect us.the days in cedar were stressful and more often than not, i found mysef buried under a pile of homework and didnt even go out on weekends.cca didnt really matter to me as i didnt enjoy my cca at all.nada.nt even one miniscule bit.the only time when i felt it was good was during syf when we got gold and i got the colours award.now in sr, its really hectic.back to the point abt ct.it was such a total disappointment.the subjects which i thought i would score, i failed to.the subjects which i knew i wouldnt do so well, i failed.im beginning to wonder if jc is really the path that i should take.i mean,i know i have to go to uni and all in order to be a doctor and that jc's the only way but seriously.

sometimes, i dont know what's going on.

girls from cedar are supposed to be smart.yeah.thats true.but not always true.i wonder, if i had that level of intelligence when i entered the school, what happened to me? i dot even know the meaning of studying hard anymore.how much more do i hav to do in order to get the grades that i want.everyone's telling me to be strong and that i can do it.but ive heard enough of it.yes, i know it isnt easy to do 2 sciencce subjects esp since i didnt take bio but still.ive tried many times to encourage myself and believe that i can do it.but in the end, my efforts fall short.i remember one of my classmates was really upset about her results.i constantly encouraged her outside the bowling alley and counselled her.

if i can encourrage others why cnt i encourage myself.

i admit i dont even believe in some of the things i said to her.for eg, i told her its ok to fail cause we can learn from our mistakes.but why is it that when i failed that day, i could not stop the tears from trickling down my face and washing away my strong visage.i think its because i have failed so many times the past year.the disappointment that i face is something no one will ever understand.mymomthinks that my xpectations of myself are too high.
is it really too high?where have i heard that in oredr to get what you wan you have to aim high so that even if you fall short at least you would reach the clouds,if not the sky.

actions speak louder than words.

may seem strong on the outside like a normal 21st century child who is able to deal with anything that comes her way.deep inside, im just a child.omeone who needs to be comforted when she's down.someone to love her for who she really is.some one who cares for her.and makes an effort to cheer her up when she's down.jonathan once said that i was a strong girl.

am i really?

so while i may seem im fine with my results and that i have gotten over it.its not the case.and never will be.the memory will linger for a long time.imkinda like iago.i dont wear my heart on my sleeve.i dnt display my emotions readily to those that im not close with.

natnat hastried and she has been trying to encouage me since last year.i dont know what i'll do without her.
timmy has tried.ad yeah,thanks darling.but you still owe me supper and my money from the bank that you robbed.
gabe was really nice that day.i didnt expect you to do that but yes i was touched by your actions.
jonathan too.by trying to encourage me to persevere!all i can say is i'll try.
denise, she hasnt said much but her little actions and presents have said it all.
mingliang and ganesh for being so nice and understanding.my 2 husbands.happy?
shijie my bestest guy friend with the exception of freddie. yeah ill try to meet you on tues before listening ok.i know i owe you loads of dates.rj smart kid.sorry for saying no.you know what i mean.
last but not least, freddie, thanks for your constant words of encouagement.the quotes were really sweet.and the fact that i bothered you while you were studying to moan abt results.you didnt chase me away.you didnt say much but i understand.telling me to relax and that its only common test.i know you tried to help but its sometthing ive got to overcome by myself.

yeah,'ll try to be strong. at least there's people around who care.and pick me up when i fall.

in church during mass we sang a really nice hymm.the wordsreally struck me.be strong and take courage, do not fear or be afraid.
lord i'll trust in you.

behind the mask 9:48 PM

>mirrored.

denise
03aug89
ccc
sara
31dec89
bowling

>othermasks.

caijingg
denise
timmy darling

>wishlist.

better grades
someone who loves us
wish2

>talktome.

>thepast.

>credits.

layout done by: caijingg.
photo by: kika06
brushes: adobe photoshop.